


Hard Feelings

by feentanz



Series: One Shots [25]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22033960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feentanz/pseuds/feentanz
Summary: Nikolai didn’t say anything. But his eyes never left his general. Even a blind person would be able to read the feelings of his face just now. Genya silently cursed herself. Why had she suggested this? Zoya and Nikolai had been a ticking bomb to begin with, and the longer they had danced around each other the clearer that fact had become. The night that Zoya had knocked on her door, hair messy and neck bruised, had been the first step towards explosion. Back then Genya had hoped it might have eased the tension between them, dimmed the sparks. But it hadn’t. If anything it had set them both on fire.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Series: One Shots [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/594364
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	Hard Feelings

“This is bad,” Tamar remarked. “Very bad.” 

Zoya poured herself tea, her hands shaking. “This is Ravka,” she replied, trying to keep up her usual attitude, the steel in her spine. But even she was struggling. “Everything is bad.” But never had they faced a problem like this. Everything else paled in the face of this. 

Nikolai was pacing through the room, his hair messy, dark shadows under his eyes. The scars on his hands seemed even darker than usual. Zoya tore her gaze away from him. “We need a plan,” she added. “Right now.” 

Nikolai lifted his head, his eyes resting on her for a moment. “I admire your positivity, Nazyalensky, but I’d say it is a little too late.” 

_ No.  _ She refused to accept that. Zoya nipped on her tea, glancing at Genya for help. She was unusually silent. 

“No one knows about the monster yet,” Tamar replied instead. “We still have time to spin a story which explains all the nightly disappearances.” 

Nikolai sighed. “No story would be good enough to hide all of that.” 

Zoya frowned. She wasn’t used to the king being hopeless. “We just need something scandalous, but not as scandalous as revealing the truth about the monster,” she said matter-of-factly. Ignoring the cold panic in her heart. “Then everyone will be distracted and no one will ever doubt its truth.” Easier said than done. 

Very suddenly, Genya’s head snapped up. “Zoya you’re a genius!” she exclaimed. 

Zoya blinked, giving a half shrug. “I know.” 

Nikolai flashed something which almost looked like a smirk in her direction. “Feel free to share your thoughts with everyone Genya.” 

“I know the perfect cover,” she began, getting up from her chair. Tamar raised a brow at the sudden excitement. Genya turned to Nikolai, her single eye gleaming with mischief. “You’re having an affair, your Highness.” 

Zoya furrowed her brows. “Kings having affairs are hardly worthy of a scandal, Genya,” she remarked. Especially someone as well beloved as Nikolai. She stirred around in her teacup. 

Genya turned, crossing her arms. “True. But what if the woman the king was sneaking off to was his general?” 

Zoya’s spoon dropped from her fingers. “No.” The word was out before she had even finished the thought. She saw something flicker across Nikolai’s face at the reaction. Then her gaze slipped back to Genya.  _ How could you?  _

For a moment Genya looked apologetic. She was the only one who knew the whole truth. “It’s easy to set up,” she replied anyway, her voice sounding hardly bothered. “Every night, the librarian goes through the library and checks the rooms. Tonight, at nightfall, the two of you will be there. He’ll get one glimpse of you tearing each other’s clothes off, leaves, and tells everyone.” A grin spread across her lips. “ _ Done. _ ” 

Zoya gave her best to keep breathing. But it was Nikolai who answered. “Sounds like a solid enough plan.” His gaze darted towards Zoya. “We’ll do it.” 

She turned her face away. Too many memories rose to the top of her head, memories of a night which should have been forgotten.  _ Nikolai’s lips grazing the lines of her jaw, brushing across her throat… _ She closed her fists, nails digging into the skin of her palms. 

“Unless you have a problem with pretending, Nazyalensky,” the king remarked, and she knew he was saying it to uphold their disguise, to avoid noticing from the others, but she hated him a little for that all the same. Because he had noticed her hesitation. Her weakness. 

But she forced herself to reply. Her eyes met his, and she lifted her chin.  _ It had never meant anything.  _ “I am more worried for you, your Highness,” she replied. “Most men find that once they got a taste, they can’t stay away.” 

Nikolai had the audacity to grin, some sort of remembrance flickering through his eyes. For a moment neither of them pulled their gaze away. 

It was Genya who interrupted, shooting Zoya a warning glance. “Tamar and I will stay close, make sure everything goes smoothly.”  _ Make sure you don’t do anything stupid,  _ her eyes were saying. 

Zoya sat up straight, giving Genya a lazy shrug. “If you insist.” She ignored the dread coiling up in her stomach. Or the fear. 

But nightfall came too soon and too fast, and when Genya knocked on her door Zoya found herself unable to ignore the growing panic. “This plan will never work,” she told Genya, following her towards the library. “No one cares who Nikolai is bedding.” A lie. 

Genya glanced back over her shoulder. “Then why did you go to such lengths to hide your little slip?” 

“Remind me again why I told you,” Zoya muttered, playing with the cuff of her  _ kefta.  _

Genya laughed. “Because you needed me to tailor away the evidence,” she replied, her gaze knowingly as she shot her another look. “But now, if we spread the rumour about an affair anyway…” She trailed off suggestively. “Then you might as well just have a real one.” 

Zoya kept her face turned away. “We hardly have the time to indulge in such things.” 

Genya snorted. “Judging by how you stared at each other in the war room earlier I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already.” She eyed Zoya. “Or has it?” 

She rolled her eyes. “No,” she replied firmly. 

They had reached the library at last. Nikolai was leaned against one of the tables, chatting with Tamar, who was blending into the shadows so seamlessly she looked like a ghost. 

“Five more minutes,” she said as soon as she spotted Zoya and Genya. She flashed a grin at Zoya. “Enjoy yourselves.” 

Zoya gave her a dark look, watching her and Genya get upstairs, to the little balcony which towered over the rest of the library. From up there they would be hidden from sight and let be able to see whether the librarian came to complete their plan. 

She took a deep breath as she leaned against the table next to Nikolai. She could hear his breathing, feel the warmth of his skin radiating towards her. The scent of his cologne was clouding the air. She blinked a few times, trying to ignore the rush of memories. They had been here before. Exactly like this, only in his rooms. 

“This feels familiar,” Nikolai muttered, dropping his voice low enough for Genya and Tamar to overhear. Apparently he remembered just as well as she did. 

Zoya didn’t trust herself enough to reply. Instead she glanced towards the clock on the wall. Two more minutes. “Nikolai,” she noted, but he was already moving. She tensed as he stopped right in front of her, his body so close that she could feel his breathing grazing across her skin. 

His eyes looked a lot darker in the dim light. “You’re fine?” he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. The mere touch was enough to light Zoya’s body on fire. 

_ This was not going to end well.  _ But she nodded, regardless of it. Because this was for Ravka. And because even if it weren’t, there was no way she would have been able to stop herself now. 

Nikolai exhaled slightly unevenly and then his lips caught hers, and Zoya’s brain shut off. She felt his fingers moving across her cheeks, into her hair, across her neck. She opened her lips under his, letting him in, welcoming him. There was no way to describe how she had longed for this. 

Zoya sank back against the table, feeling Nikolai’s hands move to her waist as he picked her up and sat down on the edge. Her legs curled around his torso, her arms wrapping around his neck to draw him closer, and yet there was too much space left. She wanted more.  _ Needed more.  _ The world seemed to begin and stop with Nikolai’s lips. 

Genya shifted in the darkness, glancing at Tamar for a moment. The heartrender was watching the door, pretending not to notice what went down beneath them. Nikolai had Zoya pushed onto the table, the two of them wrapped up so tightly that Genya was worried they might indeed start undressing each other. There was no doubt now that nothing about this was played, and in suggesting this plan she had very well just revealed Zoya’s secret. Although Tamar was doing a good job at pretending otherwise. 

The door was next to them was suddenly opened, and Genya pressed herself deeper into the shadows. Neither her nor Tamar seemed to be breathing. The librarian appeared on the balcony, his gaze lazily sweeping across the library, just when his eyes caught the couple below. For a moment nothing happened. Then he turned on his heel and stormed out. 

Tamar grinned as the door fell shut. “That worked well enough.”

Genya glanced down at Nikolai and Zoya. Zoya’s fingers were brushing across the king’s collar just now, the first button of his shirt already opened. _Oh Saints._

She quickly got to her feet, but Tamar was already on it. She was halfway down the stairs as she cleared her throat, a knowing smirk across her lips. 

Zoya darted backwards so quickly as if struck by lightning, her blue eyes wide and clouded with what was most likely nothing else but pure desire. Genya almost felt a little guilty. Nikolai was still staring at her, his hands still in her hair. He wasn’t moving one inch. 

Zoya broke free at last, slipping from the table and clearing her throat. “Did it work?” Her voice cut through the air. But she wasn’t fooling anyone. 

Nikolai didn’t say anything. But his eyes never left his general. Even a blind person would be able to read the feelings of his face just now. Genya silently cursed herself. Why had she suggested this? Zoya and Nikolai had been a ticking bomb to begin with, and the longer they had danced around each other the clearer that fact had become. 

The night that Zoya had knocked on her door, hair messy and neck bruised, had been the first step towards explosion. Back then Genya had hoped it might have eased the tension between them, dimmed the sparks. But it hadn’t. If anything it had set them both on fire. Nikolai’s longing stares and Zoya’s not so subtle way to run away whenever the king was close had told her enough of that.

“He saw you,” Tamar confirmed now. “And your show was convincing enough.” 

Zoya shifted, running a hand through her hair. “Since this is done,” she muttered. “I’ll leave and prepare myself to be presented as the king’s mistress tomorrow.” 

Nikolai didn’t move as she left the room, slamming the door shut behind herself. Genya could have sworn a gust of wind followed her outside. Tamar turned to take her leave as well, but Genya stepped closer to the king. 

She knew what they were risking, knew the thin line they were dancing across. But she couldn’t resist. “Since we are spreading the rumour that you don’t sleep in your own bed anyway,” she began, dropping her voice low. “You might as well stay somewhere else tonight.” 

Nikolai glanced at her, brows furrowed for a moment. Then the realization hit him. “She told you.” 

Genya gave a brief nod. “Go after her,” she said gently. Perhaps this was going to doom their country, but if only for the spark of light in Nikolai’s eyes it might almost be worth it. 

He gave her a quick smile, then rushed out of the room past a very confused looking Tamar. Genya sighed to herself. 

Zoya slammed the door shut behind herself, feeling herself trembling as she sank down on the edge of her bed. She was an idiot. The shadow of Nikolai’s fingers was still lingering on her skin, the way his lips had moved against hers… She could still feel his gaze tugging at her.  _ Saints, she was so stupid.  _ For a moment she couldn’t do anything else but sit in the darkness, unmoving, trying to rid herself of the spark within her, the fire which dared to bloom beneath her skin. Because she wanted more. 

She had almost gone too far, almost ripped off the king’s clothes right there, if only to feel his skin on hers again. The desperation had been too strong. 

Suddenly a knock on the door ripped through the silence, making Zoya jump. She got to her feet, expecting Genya, opening the door with a little too much force. 

She almost ran into Nikolai, who was wearing an expression which she imagined might match her own in this moment. Desire. Desperation. She felt her breath hitching as her heart skipped a beat. His hair was still ruffled, the first button of his shirt open. 

And then he was kissing her, and every doubt melted away like candle wax. Zoya wrapped her arms around his neck as he pushed her back against the doorframe, his hands everywhere, his lips leaving a burning trail against her skin. She made the door fall shut as he picked her up into his arms, carrying her to the bed, already removing her clothes. 

_ They should not be doing this. They could not be doing this.  _ Zoya tore her lips away from Nikolai, feeling his weight shift on top of her as he brushed her hair away from her face.

“What is it?” he asked carefully, lips brushing along the top of her cheekbone. 

_ Everything.  _ She felt like the world had torn open. “We can’t,” she whispered. “Not again.” 

Nikolai’s fingers traced the lines of her jaw with lethal softness. “We can,” he replied. “By tomorrow, everyone will think you my mistress anyway.” 

Zoya’s lashes fluttered shut as his lips found her neck, kissing along her throat. She had no resistance left to offer. And she was done pretending that this was not what she wanted, what she had craved for a long time. Even before that first slip. 

She pulled him closer instead, her lips hungrily reaching for his again. Nikolai’s tongue flicked against hers and the world was spinning, falling apart and piercing itself back together. 

The rumour spread as quickly as they had hoped. When Zoya slipped into the war room that morning, the Little Palace already knew. They had devoured the news just as expected. 

Nikolai was glancing at her as she sat down next to Genya, but she gave her best attempt to ignore his staring. She still had the markings on her neck which he had left behind, and she was lucky that they went along with their story well enough. 

“Great commitment,” Genya muttered next to her. “You even have the bruises to go along with the story.” She smirked. 

Zoya shot her a warning look, fluffing her hair out to hide the truth of yesterday’s night. She had fallen asleep in her king’s arms eventually, but had still woken up to an empty bed. Which was probably for the best. It had saved her the effort of having to fight against the urge to cling to whatever they had, the desperate craving for  _ more.  _ Even now. Even after an entire night. 

She could still feel the pull between them, the invisible spark passing through the air. Or, perhaps not invisible. Because Genya was already glaring at them, her gaze sweeping over Zoya first, then Nikolai. 

Zoya quickly turned her attention back to her files. “We need more soldiers stationed on our borders,” she remarked, only to have something to say, as she tossed the king the file. “You should write to the first army commanders.” She didn’t dare to look up and meet his gaze. 

“I will,” Nikolai replied, taking the file without another word. 

“One of the Grisha posts has requested you for a visit,” Tamar remarked from the other end of the room, gesturing towards Zoya. “They want you to oversee the defences.” 

Zoya rolled her eyes. Like she didn’t have other things on her plate. “Why?” she wanted to know. “Send someone else to oversee it.” 

“They have been under  _ khergud  _ attack twice,” Tamar replied, leaning against the wall with her hands resting on her twin axes. “We need to make sure our borders aren’t overrun.” 

Good point. Zoya sighed. “Fine, I’ll go.” She could have sworn Nikolai tensed at those words. 

Could have sworn his jaw was unusually clenched when he turned to his heartrender guard. “Is it safe to travel there?” he wanted to know. “Regarding those attacks.” 

Zoya felt her pride prickling at those words, although she could not help but deny the fact that she was also oddly touched. “I am well able to take care of myself, your Highness,” Zoya replied. Should she run into a  _ khergud  _ attack she would gladly take a few of them down. 

Nikolai huffed, leaning back in his chair. “I am quite aware.” It sounded like a praise. 

She ignored the comment, all too well aware of his eyes following her. “I’ll leave first chance.” With the spreading rumours about herself it was perhaps better if she took a little time off from the capital. 

But the king was not yet done. “Is that a wise choice? Regarding the rumour we have just spread. Perhaps we should wait it out instead.” 

Zoya narrowed her eyes, glaring at him sideways. Was he trying to make her stay? 

Genya seemed to have reached the same conclusion, since she cleared her throat. “I think it might seem more believable if it seems like you sent Zoya away,” she replied, adding a smile which was nothing else but a reminder for Nikolai not to talk back. 

Nikolai shot Zoya another look, but didn’t say anything else. The air was daring to break with tension. 

“Can we talk in private for a moment, your Highness?” Genya said eventually, reaching for Zoya’s arm as she moved to get up. “You stay.” 

_ Great.  _ Zoya sank back into her chair, sighing as the twins left the room. 

As soon as the door fell shut, Genya was on her feet. “Can you two make it any more obvious, please?” she hissed, crossing her arms. 

Zoya rolled her eyes. “Tamar knows anyway, doesn’t she? I saw the look on her face last night.” That kiss had hardly fooled anyone. 

“Tamar knowing isn’t the problem,” Genya muttered. “But the rest of Ravka. You were supposed to sell an affair, not a story of star-crossed lovers.” 

Zoya saw Nikolai tense, turning his face away. But she kept silent. 

Genya turned to the king now. “You can’t stare at your general like this in public, so I assume it’s best if Zoya goes on that trip for a little while.” She let out a heavy breath. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have to be the bad guy here, but we all have a country to look after.”   
  
She was right. Of course she was. Zoya got to her feet, ignoring the stab of guilt as she saw the king’s expression. “Anything else?” she asked Genya, keeping her voice sharp and her expression stern. Or so she hoped. 

Genya shook her head in silence, her eyes apologetic. 

For a moment Nikolai looked like he wanted to hold her back, but then a shadow passed across his face and he slacked back in his chair. Like he had remembered his duties after all. 

Zoya turned away and left the room, feeling the unwelcome prickle of tears at the back of her eyes. She blinked them away, closing her fists. Ravka had come too far for them to give up on the country now. She took a long breath. A king and his general. That was all they would ever be. And perhaps, at some point they would be able to live with that truth. 

It was after nightfall when there was a knock on Zoya’s door. First hesitant, then when she didn’t move from the bed more urgently. She sat up slowly, too well aware of the fact that she was only wearing her dressing gown. She felt much more safe in a  _ kefta.  _

And yet she still opened the door, because she knew who was standing on its other side. Zoya lifted her gaze as she leaned against the doorframe, staring right into the king’s eyes. “Trying to sell our little affair story?” she commented, but not with her usual spite. 

Nikolai huffed, opening the door and slipping past her into the room. “You’re properly dressed already.” 

“I didn’t expect you to show up,” Zoya replied, shutting the door and sinking back down on the edge of her bed. She really hadn’t. She had assumed their part of the acting was done, now that the public knew. No one had once doubted them. The secret of the monster creeping beneath the king’s skin was safe. For now. 

Nikolai sighed, lingering in the center of the room. “I didn’t plan to,” he said eventually. “Genya would probably kill me for even considering.” 

_ Most likely.  _ Zoya didn’t reply. 

Nikolai sat down next to her at last. He never touched her, and yet he was too close, the shadow of his touch ever haunting her mind. “I couldn’t stay away.” His voice was almost too quiet. 

She looked up into his eyes, trying to ignore the way her body moved closer, the way she longed for touch. For anything at all. Nikolai’s fingers came up to cup her cheek, brush along the line of her jaw, sending a shiver racing down her back. She could feel her resistance melting. 

“Nikolai,” she whispered, her voice leaving her. “We can never have this.” 

The hazel of his eyes turned a shade darker. “I know.” 

Even the best work of pretending didn’t make this any less true.  _ They could never have this.  _ Zoya felt like she was trying to convince herself with those words. 

Nikolai shifted, his hands running through her hair, brushing along the skin of her neck. Zoya shivered under the brush of his fingertip, a tremble running through her body. 

“I will leave the capital tomorrow,” she whispered, trying to use the truth to pull them both back to reality. 

His eyes found hers. “Not forever.” 

_ But long enough.  _ Genya would make sure of that. And yet Zoya couldn’t manage to keep her heart concealed, to stop her mind from turning traitor. She wanted this, there was no doubt that she did. And the intensity of it scared her, more than any monster could. The wave of longing, of desire, the way it seemed to drown out the rest of the world. She took a shaky breath. “You need to go.” 

Nikolai didn’t move. Instead his lips dropped down to hers and then he was kissing her, and Zoya’s last defense shattered as she dared to burn alive, her fingers brushing through his golden curls, along the lines of his jaw. She slipped closer, wrapping her arms around Nikolai’s neck as he pulled her into his lap. 

His lips left a hot trace along her jaw, then along her throat. He hovered over her pulsepoint, softly nipping at the skin as Zoya felt herself melting into the touch, into him. 

_ They could never have this.  _ The words made something inside her mind snap and Zoya forced her eyes open, forced herself to ignore the trail of shivers left on her skin. “We can’t.” 

Nikolai’s lips lifted from her skin, instead hovering near hers as his gaze found hers. “You didn’t mind last time.”  _ Or the time before.  _ And yet he pulled back, his hands absently brushing a loose strand of hair away from her face. 

“Things changed.” A lie. But all she could manage, with Nikolai’s breathing caressing her skin. 

His response was a smirk, eyes gleaming with amusement. “You hurt my pride, Nazyalensky.” A challenge. 

But it had been his heart she had gone after. “Didn’t I tell you to go?” Her voice was not nearly sharp enough to be convincing. 

Nikolai cupped her cheek, and the touch was enough to make her selfcontrol melt. “One last night,” he whispered, lips grazing across hers. The faintest of touches. His eyes were gleaming with challenge. Daring her to accept. 

Daring her to give in. 

Zoya opened her lips to reply, but Nikolai was faster, and when their lips met the rest of her doubts disappeared. His fingers peeled the dressing gown off her skin, letting the fabric pool down to her hips. There was no more pretending. 

Because this was their last night. 

Their last mistake. 


End file.
